winter blues

November Blues 

Side note: I know it’s December. But I wrote this in November and wanted to share it.

I’m not sure if every November I’ve had has felt like this. But I can recall a few Novembers like this. When I was 11, I remember how horrible it felt leaving my house in the dark, and getting home in the dark, after an hour’s journey to and from my new school. I didn’t have a name for how I felt, I just knew I felt sad all the time.

Now I know they call it ‘winter blues.’

I am naturally a summer lover. When Spring arrives, I can wake up early, and that bounce and energy for life come naturally to me.

When the clocks change for Winter, I just want to hibernate. It feels much worse when it’s meant to be daytime and all I see is grey skies. My inner critic says I should be grateful that I’m alive and I can see the day. Well, inner critic, I’m just not built for the cold and dark.

This time last year, I broke up with my boyfriend in a hormonal fog. That’s not to say that our issues at the time were all in my head. But I noticed a trend that whenever I felt my worst correlated with our arguments. And it didn’t help that the days got darker and shorter all around the same time. I realised that if I wanted things to improve, I needed to get myself feeling better. (Oh, and we got back together 2 weeks later.)

All of this to say: since returning from New York, I’ve been pretty down in the dumps. I guess I could call it depressed but I am still able to focus and get work done so it’s not to that level.

Getting out of bed is pretty much the hardest part of the day. I’ve had quite a few days where I’ve woken up and stayed in bed for 2-3 hours, vegetating my brain on YouTube videos. And Candy Crush Soda Saga.

What is the point of all this navel-gazing exactly? Well, it’s to let everyone know that everything on social media is not as it appears to be.

Brookfield place, new york city, NYC
New York City, October 2017 – in my happy place

I could do a video on this topic but I like to compartmentalise my life sometimes. For one, my YouTube channel is the place where I like to keep the most positive vibe and self-presentation. Seeing myself smiling on camera lifts my mood. And I don’t want to emanate that vibe out to the world. I truly believe that my smile is one of my best assets. And I like using it even when I don’t feel like it.

But I don’t want to pretend to the world that everything with me is always ok either. The best way I can describe my mental/emotional space right now is ‘a work in progress’.

We are all works in progress. And that’s ok.

Love,

Mary

 

8 Replies to “November Blues 

    1. Yes, it is definitely the time of year. A few personal things have also been happening for me, I think I may elaborate in some future posts or a video – we’ll see. But thanks so much for commenting Saabirah – I appreciate it!

  1. This is a lovely sincere piece of writing! From the heart to paper so it’s just real! Thank you for sharing…I don’t find winter days hard but I find the end of the year hard as I look back questioning why I haven’t achieved some simple goals 😭 I am fighting not to put myself down about it. I am trying to find a way to rise, although rather difficult.
    The beauty at the end of the year in this winter season is we can now start again, turn a new leaf, take a deep breath over the holidays with love ones and as you said SMILE! Your smile always makes me smile!!! ❤️ Thank you for smiling so deeply and beautifully in to my winter❤️

    1. Hello Beautiful! Yes, I wrote this just to express myself in the moment, I think that for me, the onset of winter and the end of the year do make me question a lot of things. But yes, it’s a great time to plan for Spring and to make changes that will be evident in the New Year! I will keep smiling! And girl… you have done so much this year, you have a lot to be proud of! x

  2. You do look happy in that picture Mary….and that smile is beautiful…keep smiling. I do understand how you feel. Most of us do tend to suffer from SAD during winter. be strong and stay positive.when you feel down remind yourself of the good things and look back on happy pictures.

    1. Yes, in the photo I was in New York and to be honest, it’s one of the places that make me happiest in the world. I will do my best to stay positive, I promised myself that I will work at my passions no matter how I’m feeling and it’s already paying off! Much love you you Candise. x

  3. Thank you Mary for telling the truth. I also have winter blues….you have a beautiful spirit and it resonates online….I’ll be praying for you.

    1. Thank you so much Marilyn for your well wishes and prayers. Even though things have been difficult, this blog and my YouTube channel have been a great outlet for me. Much love to you for this Christmas season and the coming New Year. 💗

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