Side note: I know it’s December. But I wrote this in November and wanted to share it.
I’m not sure if every November I’ve had has felt like this. But I can recall a few Novembers like this. When I was 11, I remember how horrible it felt leaving my house in the dark, and getting home in the dark, after an hour’s journey to and from my new school. I didn’t have a name for how I felt, I just knew I felt sad all the time.
Now I know they call it ‘winter blues.’
I am naturally a summer lover. When Spring arrives, I can wake up early, and that bounce and energy for life come naturally to me.
When the clocks change for Winter, I just want to hibernate. It feels much worse when it’s meant to be daytime and all I see is grey skies. My inner critic says I should be grateful that I’m alive and I can see the day. Well, inner critic, I’m just not built for the cold and dark.
This time last year, I broke up with my boyfriend in a hormonal fog. That’s not to say that our issues at the time were all in my head. But I noticed a trend that whenever I felt my worst correlated with our arguments. And it didn’t help that the days got darker and shorter all around the same time. I realised that if I wanted things to improve, I needed to get myself feeling better. (Oh, and we got back together 2 weeks later.)
All of this to say: since returning from New York, I’ve been pretty down in the dumps. I guess I could call it depressed but I am still able to focus and get work done so it’s not to that level.
Getting out of bed is pretty much the hardest part of the day. I’ve had quite a few days where I’ve woken up and stayed in bed for 2-3 hours, vegetating my brain on YouTube videos. And Candy Crush Soda Saga.
What is the point of all this navel-gazing exactly? Well, it’s to let everyone know that everything on social media is not as it appears to be.
I could do a video on this topic but I like to compartmentalise my life sometimes. For one, my YouTube channel is the place where I like to keep the most positive vibe and self-presentation. Seeing myself smiling on camera lifts my mood. And I don’t want to emanate that vibe out to the world. I truly believe that my smile is one of my best assets. And I like using it even when I don’t feel like it.
But I don’t want to pretend to the world that everything with me is always ok either. The best way I can describe my mental/emotional space right now is ‘a work in progress’.
We are all works in progress. And that’s ok.